just a little girl

in a big bad world

I wasn't "fine."

My ex-boyfriend dumped me, my former friends abandoned me, my hair fell out, and I lost my sanity. Rejection, inadequacy, and abandonment ate my remains like vultures.

Get over it.

I had bigger problems to fix, like finding enough income sources to survive.

Deep down, I was just a scared little girl afraid of the big bad world, worried about everyone seeing that I wasn’t perfect, wishing daddy would love me unconditionally and protect me from it all.

I rebuilt the shattered parts of myself, laser focused on personal development and professional projects, productive and prolific.

My hair grew back thick, full, and long down my back while pilates shaped my body and yoga calmed my nervous system.

I fell in love with my soul's dimensions, my heart's sensitivities, my mind's complexities, and made true new friends who understood all of me.

My sacred self acceptance & self love rituals revealed suppressed artistic gifts that desired expression and actualization.

Meanwhile, I'd thought I'd found the key to security in this big bad world: the perfect big girl job to handle all my adult responsibilities.

Then, I got trapped in golden handcuffs.

A depleted insomniac lying awake at 3am stressed from a job that stole my joy and drained my life.

Long hours, no days off, and achieving income goals kept me company.

I'd fought to finally make enough money to live comfortably, and here I was fully providing for myself.

But no matter how perfect a job seemed… no matter how eagerly I accepted the offer letter for financial oasis… Sooner or later, I always ended up hating every job and resenting every day working there, demeaned by customers, powerless against bosses, and ashamed of myself.

Stuck repeating this soul crushing cycle.

Why couldn't I just suck it up and be happy with my salary?

Why struggle chasing passion and risking failure?

It became unbearable being constantly controlled by my boss and forcing myself to do a job I hated.

I finally went all in on my own creative work.

I committed to my own vision, my own business, my own terms.

Yet my successful 6-figure business adulting and ‘be your own boss’-ing meant more big girl responsibilities: marketing, sales, taxes, running my own company; I did everything on my own.

More grown-up work that distracted from my desire for You.

Still, I fantasized about being daddy's little girl.

Alone in the darkness of my shadow, I sat in my shame, facing the fear cramped in the pit of my stomach, my weak hands shaking, my throat constricting.

I breathed deep, let tears flow, movement as my medicine, regulating my runaway rumination that loses control and wants to end everything.

I integrated this beautiful shadow along with all my dimensions, no longer rejecting parts of me.

I acknowledged my primal need to be loved and allowed my deepest desire to be fulfilled.

I'm a full-spectrum Goddess who creates worlds bigger than my body can hold, overflowing with innate femininty, who cries when baring the depths of my soul. I’m a radiant sun warming the universe in love, an infinite ocean with intimate depths to explore.

I nourish my queen body temple with luxurious fresh nutrition. I no longer dishonor me with what does not feel good inside of me.

I bathe my body temple in natural elixirs, grateful for Mother Nature taking care of me.

I devote to my rituals and routines that structure my world and allow me to flow with my creative gifts.

My spa days are non-negotiable.

My inner little girl replenishes, daydreams, plays, creates and celebrates.

And I relax into my heart's longing to love You.

Gently, my sensitive heart blossoms, slowly opening up for love, safely making space for You.